My calm in the storm

Monday Feb. 1st our family lost my Grandpa Griffith  
Monday Feb. 8th our family lost my Uncle Ben 
In the midst of grief my Grandpa Wise is in hospice care living out his final days with cancer. Family turmoil is in full force and relationships are fragile and vulnerable right now.    

So much heartache, so many waves of emotions crashing down and consuming thoughts and feelings. Stealing joy from many areas of my life as I wrestle with how to help on the midst of chaos yet frustrated by the lack of control over anything that's going on. 

I cry for my parents, for all they have endured, sacrificed and gave the past couple of years.  I cry out of joy that people I love are walking, as I type, in the presence of God and reunited with so many loved ones we miss.  I cry because I am sad.  I am selfishly sad that I will no longer get to spend time here on earth with my precious Grandpa.  I cry because I am overwhelmed with how to balance all these emotions plus live a "normal" life.  I cry because I am frustrated with how some people can behave and act towards one another.  I cry because I am touched by the real, true friends who have reached out to our family and prayed for us during this time.   

In the depths of these storms I am reminded and comforted by my calm in the storm.  God is here, Jesus is here.  My strength comes from the Lord.  While our life here on earth is turmoil - I/we have assurance that our everlasting life in Heaven is very much different.  Jesus gives and takes away. This song brought me to my knees this afternoon. "Praise You In This Storm" 

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

YES.  I lift my hands and bow my head and I know He is here. 

In an effort to have some sense of normalcy today, I decided the kids and I would stay home and just be us.  They have been shuffled here and there - seen and heard me on my phone way to much and yet continue to give me grace and love.  They - WE - needed a day to just be.    

I was reminded about the beautiful joy of motherhood and the un-breakable bond of siblings.  My two played together all day.  They laughed.  Argued. They pushed one another around in a laundry basket and wrestled on our bed.  They played house upstairs and "pretended" Pax was the brother and Brinlee was the sister - precious babies.   Brinlee skinned both knees outside and stubbed her toe - I kissed her ouchies and a Cinderella bandaid wiped away all tears.  Paxton helped his sister more than I can count and guided her in decision making. I had long, authentic, real conversations with my parents and let me just say... I am holding them a little bit closer these days.  We played babies, Miles of Tomorrow land and paw patrol.  We threw a random "parrot- chute" guy we found in an old Halloween bucket over the cat walk on the stairs and that activity was dubbed "the coolest thing ever" bless him. We had a dance party to "shake it off" and "uptown funk" and I got embarrassingly winded "shaking my booty".   We finished Paxton's Valentine's and meticulously picked out who would get which one and practiced writing his letters.  The valentine kid card makers obviously did not factor in the fact that 4 year olds write REALLY big.  We settled for "Pax" on each one :) We also had an impromptu picnic outside on the driveway in the glorious weather.  We sat and ate PB&J sandwiches in the shape of hearts, ate out of a bag of sour cream and onion chips and shared the same cup of raspberry lemonade.    You would have thought we were eating a gourmet meal in central park - they loved it - so did I.  I took my phone outside  - not sure why other than lately it's felt like another kid attached to me.  At one point Paxton said "look mommy, a butterfly"  Admittedly - I grabbed my phone to take a picture before I ever even looked at it.  My phone died.  "Hold on Pax, let me run in and grab my good camera"  I run back out only to see that the camera card wasn't in it and the battery was dead.  At this point the kids were following it and I just said "Ok, God... I get it.  Thanks Grandpa".  You see, my Grandpa Griffith loved butterflies and he loved photographing them.  He loved it so much that when he was no longer traveling places to take pictures, Matthew and I built and planted him a butterfly garden in his backyard so that all he had to do was walk outside, point and shoot.  I feel like that was him today nudging me... Katy, stop and enjoy.  Quit trying to capture and just be. Just enjoy the beauty.  So I did.  

Life is crazy.  Its filled with sorrow, grief, anger, frustration, sadness, weariness, loneliness, chaos and hopelessness lately.  But today - I was reminded both gently and pretty loud and clear that yes, life can be tough but if we stop in the storm - ground ourselves in God and surround ourselves with those that bring true happiness than we CAN get through it.  They only thing that would have made the day more perfect was if Matthew had been home with us  - but gosh, he had to work (wink, wink).  

I know we will be fine.  We will make it through and we will be stronger because of it.  I have my rock in Jesus and my soft place to land with my husband.  Thank you Jesus for perspective and comfort during this difficult time.  Hold my loved ones close and assure them You are here.